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With Apologies to All Voters Everywhere

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We have taken a number of well known sayings and applied them to the South African political landscape, imagining how our politicians would mangle their greatness whilst in pursuit of their own happiness, wealth and welfare – i.e. SNAFU – Situation Normal, All Farged Up!

For your edification and pleasure the following sayings/quotes and witicisms were all mangled in order to demostrate just how low our politicians have sunk in our estimation:

“The greatest pleasure I know is to do good by telling everyone how wonderful I am and then to do it over and over again” – with apologies to Charles Lamb

“It is the best policy to always speak the truth, unless of course you are a politician” – with apologies to Jerome K. Jerome

“I stumble across the truth every minute of the day and then pick myself up and hurry off as if it was a lie” – with apologies to Sir Winston Churchill.

“To appear to be good is noble, but to corrupt others to do your bidding is nobler still” – with apologies to Mark Twain.

“Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. They may not appreciate being treated as adults.” with apologies to George Bernard Shaw

“The South Africa voter prefers to be lied to because he has no idea of what a truthful politician looks and sounds like” – with apologies to George Bernard Shaw.

“Politics is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability” – with apologies to George Bernard Shaw.

“One should forgive one’s enemies, but not before they lose at the polls” – with apologies to Heinrich Heine

“Things have come to a pretty pass when politics is allowed to invade the sphere of private life” – with apologies to Lord Melbourne.

“The politician proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds and the voter knows that this is not true” – with apologies to James Branch Cabell.

“The man who can smile when things go wrong is a politician” – with apologies to Arthur Bloch

“Being a politician is a wonderful calling. You start working the moment an election is announced and do not stop until the results are in” – with apologies to Robert Frost.

“I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked at by a politician, did not become more complicated” – with apologies to G.K Chesterton.

“To err is human but to really foul things up requires a politician” – with Paul Ehrlich.

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, tray again. If that doesn’t work then become a politician” – with apologies to W.C. Fields.

The first rule of politics: “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance” – with thanks to Oscar Wilde

“We’re all in this together – until I drive away in my air-conditioned, chaffeur driven black Mercedes to my gated community with NO loadshedding or water problems” – with apologies to Lily Tomlin.

Truth from a politician: “Deep down, I’m pretty superficial” – with thanks to Ava Gardner

A politician’s greatest fear: “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is NOT being talkde about” – with thanks to Oscar Wilde

What every voter thinks about politicians: “Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were when we first voted you into power” – with apologies to Bernard Berenson.

“We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get attacked from left and right” – with apologies to Aneurin Bevan.

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and continue making an arsehole of yourself” – with apologies to Phyllis Diller.

“I am stupid enough to know everything” – with apologies to Sir James Barrie.

“In South Africa politicians are always ready to give to voters the benefit of their inexperience” – with apologies to Oscar Wilde.

“The thing that impresses me the most about the South African voter is the way they obey their politicians” – with apologies to the Duke of Windsor (ex-King Edward VII).

“Setting a good example for the voters takes all the fun out of fleecing the State Coffers” – with apologies to William Feather.

“Boys will be boys, and so will be a lot of policticians” – with apologies to Kin Hubbard.

“Politicians are differnet from us! Yes, they have more money” – with apologies to Scott Fitzgerald.

“I have been a politician and a voter. Politics is better” – with apologies to Sophie Tucker.

Said every politician ever: “What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank” – with thanks to Liberace.

“Success is a matter of how many brown envelopes. Ask any politician” – with apologies to Earl Wilson.

“His designs were strictly honourable, as the saying is; that is, to rob the State Coffers by way of politics” – with apologies to Henry Fielding.

“Every crowd is an opportunity to tout for votes” – with apologies to Phineas T. Barnum.

Every politician ever: “I used to be Snow White, but I drifted” – with thanks to Mae West.

“Voter: Goodness what a magnificent home! Politician: Goodness had nothing to do with it” – with apologies to Mae West.

“Politics is the only business in which you can applaud yourself again and again and again” – with apologies to Will Rogers.

The voting myth: “Anybody who ‘loves’ children and dogs can’t be all bad” – with apologies to Leo Rosten.

“A politician is not quite a human being – but then who is?” – with apologies to George Sanders.

“I never study a report before pronouncing my opinion” – with apologies to Sydney Smith.

“Long experience has taught me that no-one attends a political rally unless there is a T-Shirt, Lunch and Transport” – with apologies to James Agate.

“An opposition politician is a man who leaves no turn unstoned” – with apologies to George Bernard Shaw.

“Our policy position was a profound success. But the voters were a profound failure” – with apologies to Oscar Wilde.

“Asking a politician what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp post what it thinks about dogs” – with apologies to John Osborne.

“I have nothing to declare – except being a politician” – with apologies to Oscar Wilde.

“Education is when you read the fine print. Failed oliticians are what you get when you don’t” – with apologies to Pete Seeger.

“The good politician is never found out, the bad politicians are all around us” – with apologies to Ernest Newman.

“If you pick up a starving voter and make him a politician he will still bite you, that is the principal difference between a dog and a man” – with apologies to Mark Twain.

“Silence is the virtue of voters” – with apologies to Francis Bacon.

Advice for all politicians to continue ignoring: “Better to remain silent and thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt” – with thanks to Abraham Lincoln.

“The politician and the voter shall lie down together, but the voter won’t get much sleep” – with apologie sto Woody Allen.

“When a politician fell into his anectodage it was sign for him to run for another term in office” – with apologies to Benjamin Disraeli.

“An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought” – with thanks to Simon Cameron.

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of parliament; but I repeat myself…” – with apologies to Mark Twain.

“Politics are almost as exciting as war. In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times” – with thanks to Winston Churchill.

For now this is the type of poltician we seek: “To enjoy a good reputation, give oublicly and steal privately” – with thanks to Josh Billings.

“I have noticed that nothing I ever said ever did me any harm” – with thanks to Calvin Coolidge.

“Tood bad all the politicians that know how to run the country are bust driving taxis, cutting hair, in the oppostion benches and on YouTube” – with apologies to George Burns.

“Politicians devote the best years of their lives to preparing impromptu speeches” – with apologoes to F.E. Smith.

Still part of the system: “I never vote for anybody, only in opposition” – with apologies to W.C. Fields.

“The art of taxation involves in so plucking the goose as to otain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing” – with thanks to Jean Baptiste Colbert.

“Politicians should be on tap but not on top” – with apologies to Sir Winston Churchill.

“When a man is a fool in South Africa, we only trust him to become a politician” – with apologies to Reverend Sydney Smith.

“A politicians place is in the wrong” – with apologies to James Thurber.

“Keep your eyes wide open before elections and completely shut afterwards” – with apologies to Benjamin Franklin.

Tha state of opposition politics and ruling party: “It resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them” – with apologies to Sydney Smith.

“Criminals demand your money or your life; politicians require both” – with apologies to Samuel Butler.

“There are times when voting seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you” – with apologies to Peter De Vries.

“One man’s folly is another man’s Presdient” – with apologies to Helen Rowland.

“A politician will lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain” – with apologies to Robert Frost.

“Brain: the apparautus that a politician wishes to possess” – with apologies to Ambrose Bierce.

“A political committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses years” – with apologies to Milton Berle.

“Democracy is a form of religion. It is the worship of jackals by jackasses” – with thanks to H.L. Mencken.

“An opposition poltician is one that separates the wheat fron the chaff and makes speeches about the chaff” – with apologies to Adlai Stevenson.

“A politician is one who knows more and more about less and less” – with apologies to Nicholas Murray Butler.

“Politics – the sure way of getting something for nothing” – with apologies to Wilson Mizneer.

“Politics is an incurable disease” – with apologies to Abraham Cowley.

“Politician: First version of a creature made at the end of a long week’s work when God was tired” – with apologies to Mark Twain.

“A politician is a man who approaches every question with an open mouth” – with thanks to Adlai Stevenson.

“A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground” – with thanks to H.L. Mencken.

“The most succesful politician is he who says what everybody is rhinking most often and in the loudest voice” – eith thanks to Theodore Roosevelt.

“A year in politics – a period of three hundred and sixty five and a quarter disappointments” – with apologies to Ambrose Bierce.

Every politician ever: “Tells enough white lies to ice a cake” – with apologies to Dorithy Parker.

“Silence: No conversation with a politician ever” – With apologies to Heinrich Heine.

“Politicians are like grains of gunpowder – each by itself smutty and contemptible, but mass them together and they are terrible indeed” – with apologies to Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

“He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career” – with thanks to a character in Major Barbara.

Essential equipment needed by a politician: “The ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen” – with thanks to Sir Winston Churchill.

“Politicians cannot see a belt without hitting below it” – with apologies to Margot Asquith,

“Parliament is good eveidence of life after death” – with apologies to Lord Soper.

“Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few” – with apologies to Bernard Shaw.

“If a politician fall sinto a river that would be a misfortune, and if anybody pulled him out, that, I suppose, would be a calamity” – with apologies to Disraeli.

“He never spares himself in conversation. He gives himself so generously that hardly anyone else is permitted to give anything in his presence” – with thanks to Arneurin Bevan ipinioning on Winston Churchill.

“I’m not a politician and my other habits are good” – with thanks to Artemus Ward.

“Would you buy a second-hand car from this man” – wuth thanks to Mort Sahl referenced Richard Nixon.

“A difficulty for every solution” – with thanks to Lord Samuel.

“There goes a South African politician with his hands in his own pockets for a change” – with apologies to Lord Samual.

“Our politicans are most fascinating – winning hearts wherever they go – and DON’T stay” – with apologies to Count Paul Waldersee.

“The more I see of politicians the more I like deadly snakes” – with apologies to Madame Stael.

“A newly elected politian’s first thought is of a new car” – with apologies to every voter ever.

“I expect that politicians will be the last thing civilized by Man” – with apologies to George Meredith.

“They tell you what to do and expect you to pay them for the advice”

“A politician is a man that knows what to do but cannot do it himself” – with apologies to Kenneth Tynan.

“Politicians are like eunechs in a harem: they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves” – with apologies to Brendan Behan

“Politicians are easy enought to get on with – if you are fond of children” – with apologies to Michael Joeseph.

“Many thanks for the copy of your speech; I shall lose no time in reading it” – with apologies to Disraeli.

“This is not a policy position to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force” – with apologies to Dorothy Parker.

“He has a fought a good fight and has had to face every difficulty except – popularity” – with thanks to Oscar Wilde.

“[Insert politicians name here] is one who discovered himself, and gives so ungrudgingly of his discovery to the voters – again and again” – with apologies to Saki.

“He hasn’t an enemy in the world and none of his friends like him” – with thanks to Oscar Wilde.

Every politician ever: “A freakinsh homunculus germinated outside lawful procreation” – with thanks to Henry Arthur Jones.

“There is only one thing that can kill a politician, and that is an election” – with apologies to Will Rogers.

On a media conference with politicians: “A place where they shoot too many pictures and not enouth politicians” – with apologies to Walter Winchell.

“The only reason why so many people showed up was to make sure that he was dead” – with thanks to Sam Goldwyn.

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for speeches” – with apologies to Orson Welles.

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Alan Straton

Chief Cook, Bottle Washer and Broom Mechanic at MyPE
Passionate about Port Elizabeth and definitely NOT packing for Perth. Alan's ethos is epitomised in the words of Nelson Mandela; "I have fought against white domination and I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the idea of a democratic and free society. If need be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die." See more articles by Alan.