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Mr van Ronge We Need You

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AWB was better than ANC

You may recall old Eugene Terreblanche departed this world last year after suffering the consequences of forgetting to tip a petrol pump attendant sufficiently. Mr. Steyn van Ronge has since picked up the reins of the day to day management of the AWB cause. After the recent walk-out by DA councillors and failure of ANC members to get out of bed in time to vote on bribing voters, I’ve decided PE needs some manners put on it. I couldn’t find an email address for the Taliban so the AWB will have to do:

Dear Mr. van Ronge,

First off, let me tell you just what a huge fan of yours I am: I am a huge fan. Right, now I’ve got that out of the way I can get down to the meat and potatoes of my email to you today.

You have lovely legs.

I live in Port Elizabeth. Port Elizabeth is a village in the Eastern Cape that likes to think of itself as a city. The people are slumberous, the women uptight, the banter sadly lacking and the weather very windy – I can’t get through even half a day with my hairdo intact. Truly terrible. What I suggest to you, sir, is this: why not set up your little Afrikaaner holiday super-fun-time province here? It’s about time someone put some order on the place. Some big, hairy, tiny hot-pant wearing Afrikaaner order. Yum.

In an effort to get you familiar with the future residents of your colony, I have summed up the racial categories thus:

The blacks. All they do is speak in tongues at high volumes and high five every which way. They also insist on jumping in and out of fast-moving mini-buses in front of my car – I didn’t like Space Invaders as a video game but at least they armed your little tank with a machine gun to fight off the baddies before they suicidally jumped in front of your vehicle.

The coloureds. I used to own a tv, a car and a pair of shoes. They all got stolen.

The English whites. They’re the ruddy worst of the lot. Slobbing around pretentiously, they sit all day in coffee shops moaning about the ANC and then bugger off home to write about how horrible the ANC is to the newspaper. Some of them become active and label themselves Councillors, but the only difference is that they write the word Councillor after their name in their letter to the newspaper. Once, an English white came to me and said “It’s terrible what the ANC is doing to this country”. I told him he shouldn’t be too concerned – he’s making a bloody mint out of their failure to demand he licence his booming pimping business. Sure enough, the next day there’s a letter in the newspaper saying what a terrible old bollocks that Dagless is, Hugs and Kisses, Councillor Davies.

The other day I was chatting to a mate of mine over the fence. I love a good chat over the fence with another man. It’s just nice.

“Rick!”, he shouts over to me.
“Yes Bob?”, I responded jovially.
“Howzit?”, he enquired.
“Alright thanks. Yourself?”, I in turn enquired.
“Yeah, alright too.”, he responded in an almost equally jovial manner.

Then it happened. As we turned to go our separate ways, having wrapped up our manly conversation, he tried to give me a goodbye peck on the lips.

Shit and piss. Fuck and Jesus. Simon and Garfunkel.

“Bob?”, says I to him.
“Yes, Rick?”, says he to I
“What was that all about”, says I to him.
“What was what all about?”, says he to I.
“Erm… the trying to kiss me thing”, says I to him.
“Yeah…what’s the problem?”, says he to I.
“We both have wives…why are you trying to splash gay on me?”, says I to him.
“It’s what all the guys are doing at the coffee shop. Kissing your guy friend on the lips is normal. Get with it Rick!”, says he to I.
“Bob?”, says I to him.
“Yes, Rick?”, says he to I.
“If you ever do that to me again, I’ll abduct your fucking kids and do unspeakable things to them.”, says I to him.
“I catch your drift, Rick old boy. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!”, says he to I.
“You too, Bob! Cheerio!”, says I to him.

Some people, Mr. van Ronge, need to be lynched.

So you see, sir, this city is in moral decay. You and your mates need to get down here and sort it out. You could establish a sort of Butlins operation to make it financially viable. The tourists will come flocking to your future annual Afrikaaner convention. Competitions could include “Who can deepthroat the furthest down the monster wors?”, “Who has the prettiest lederhosen?” and “Who can dish out the heaviest racial beating?”. I predict it to be a great success.

I look forward to hearing from you in due course to discuss moving my suggestion forward. I’ve told all my mates and they’re equally thrilled so you can be sure of the support of at least 2 people in PE already.

Hugs and kisses,

R. Dagless (MD)

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Alan Straton

Chief Cook, Bottle Washer and Broom Mechanic at MyPE
Passionate about Port Elizabeth and definitely NOT packing for Perth. Alan's ethos is epitomised in the words of Nelson Mandela; "I have fought against white domination and I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the idea of a democratic and free society. If need be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die." See more articles by Alan.